I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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