Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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