is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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