i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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