nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
please come you make the beer taste better
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
