I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
