I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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