just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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