Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
