She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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