Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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