I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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