I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize