I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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