I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
