Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
