Im at strip club and am horny
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize