I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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