This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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