I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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