I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
