my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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