mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
