But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
