Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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