just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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