I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
