Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
