I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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