fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
