this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize