I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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