we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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