my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
