Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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