I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The Olympian is in my bed
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