theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
