ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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