Your dad touched me again.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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