Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
