Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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