She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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