someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He shit in the fireplace
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
