my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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