3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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