You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
