I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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