My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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