you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
