you guys were way drunker than both of me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
