i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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