Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
