Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
COCAINE IS GR8
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
