so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
