were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
