she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
