you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
