you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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