I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
