Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
