Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
